Sometimes, I just wish I was a better listener.
I mean, honestly I don't find it hard to listen to a friend when they have a problem, or my mom when she's calming me down when I phone her in tears, but just in the little things. I wish I would listen.
It's easy enough when someone tells you to look them in the eye and listen to exactly what they are telling you. But it's not so easy when you have to pick out the important things for yourself. What's important, and what's just filling the silence?
Truthfully, I wish I wasn't so scatter-brained. I wish I could just listen to full sermons at church, or lectures in class, or descriptions of my friends days without my mind wandering. I wonder how many times I've missed something important, sometime life-changing simply because I was thinking about where I'm going to work in the summer, or what I'm going to have for dinner.
Even as I'm writing, I'm thinking of a million other things I could be writing about, a million different feelings that I'm having and a million different people that I wish I could talk to and tell them what's on my mind.
I wish I took the time to listen in the silence. I wish that I just could sit in silence and just listen. But there's always that noise. That noise I can't get rid of, no matter how much I want it to go away. There's always going to be that noise.
Someday...I'm sure I'm going to learn how to sit in the calm, in the silence. I'm sure there will be a time when I don't feel the need to put on my music or pop in an episode of some show.
Maybe I'm scared, that if I sit in silence, my thoughts will get to me. Maybe I'm scared that silence somehow equals loneliness. And maybe I'm scared to go back to that lonely place, that I've worked so hard to get out of.
Or maybe I'm just scared that if I listen in silence, I'll hear something I don't want to hear. Something I can't ignore.
Maybe someday I'll know. Maybe one day I won't be so scared of silence.
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